Divorce: Your First Decision

2012-01-12T15:16:00.000-05:00

M. Katherine Webster O’Keefe, JD, MSW

The words have been spoken. Someone uttered “I want a divorce.” A flood of emotion follows these life-altering words: shock, fear, anger, sadness. Cascades of worries begin to fill your brain.

What do I do first?
Should I move money so he can’t get it?
Where will I live?
Will I have enough money?
How am I going to pay my bills? And what about the divorce?
Where will the children live? Go to school?
How will we pay for their college?

It’s overwhelming. Paralyzing. Where to begin?

There is an immediate decision that must be made and it is the most important decision you will make. Ready? What is the tone you want for your divorce process? It is a choice that is entirely within your control. Questions to consider as you make this decision:

• Do you want to make decisions in a sane and rational way?
• Do you want to pick up the pieces and get on to the next part of your life, or do you choose to leave more wounded than you are now and financially depleted?
• How much of your limited financial resources do you want to use to act out your anger?
• Do you want to recover from this painful experience more quickly or inflict injuries that will stay with both of you forever?
• Do you want to hang out your dirty laundry in public or hash out solutions in private?
• Do you want your children to be emotionally healthy on the other side of this obstacle?

The match has been struck. Your first decision is whether you want to fan the fire or harness the flames and prevent them from spreading. The flames can be harnessed and used as a tool to keep you safe, focused and prepared for your future. The adversarial court process will fan the flames and take control of your divorce away from you and your family. Through mediation you can learn to have productive conversations, solve problems and find solutions that will work for your family sanely.

The choice is yours. How you respond to the challenge of divorce and how you choose to go forward is in your control.

Benefits Of Co-Mediation With Our Lawyer/Psychologist Team

2011-10-17T13:43:00.004-04:00

Thomas J. Condon, Ph.D.

Generally, co-mediation provides divorcing couples the opportunity to maintain their dignity, protect their children and preserve their assets while working toward their optimal settlement agreement.

Co-mediation facilitates movement toward the most cost effective, enduring resolution of this legal process. Working together, Katherine and Tom provide a gender-balanced team, quite powerful in helping members of each sex feel fairly represented and understood.

Grief, anger, denial and resentment can work against identifying, prioritizing and negotiating concerns and interests. Co-mediation helps clients manage these complex emotions that can interfere with clear thinking and communication. Then it becomes possible for them to proceed with the negotiations in a businesslike fashion.

Co-mediation assists in developing healthy communication to help clients reach their optimal agreement and for the sake of effective co-parenting of the children. This process usually starts by recognizing destructive patterns in communication that, if not corrected, will sabotage negotiations.

Co-mediation protects the children during the reconstitution of their family and insures their continued mental health after their parents’ divorce. Among other things we:

Assist parents in understanding the needs of their children.

Advocate for the interests of the children during the negotiations, including while constructing the parenting plan.

Assess, at least informally, the children’s functioning and adaptation.

Educate parents on the ages and stages, needs at each stage, and on the effects of divorce on children.

Help parents speak about divorce to their children in an age appropriate manner.

Overall, the co-mediation process creates an atmosphere of dignity, respect and a sense of healing. Couples and families achieve a healthy transition, rather than experience a sense of decimation.

Candlewood Mediation Center

Divorce: Your First Decision

Benefits Of Co-Mediation With Our Lawyer/Psychologist Team